Feeling Fear and Not Giving Up

Eight weeks prior to the competition, I participated in my first posing class.  The two-hour class, led by Joe Franco and his assistant, Lisa, was terrific.  Joe and Lisa provided the right balance of encouragement and constructive criticism.  The five other women in the class were friendly.  I learned A LOT about posing and how much I needed to practice to be ready for the figure show.

The class marked a turning point for me, though, in terms of the reality of what I had committed to do.  Up until that point, the competition seemed far away and sort of vague in my mind.  Participating in the class, however, made it much more concrete and imminent, and I understood for the first time how much of a novice I am at this whole venture.  The good news is that I didn't feel completely over my head.  I may have been the least proficient member of the class, but I kept up.  Still, it was intimidating.  Posing is a lot like ballet.  The experts make it look effortless, masking the years of practice it takes to gain mastery of the skill.  It isn't beyond my ability to pose well, but it will take months of daily practice, in addition to the rest of my training, to become even moderately good at it.

So I started feeling some fear and anxiety about the show.  What if I make a mistake on stage?  Fall off my shoes?  What if my body isn't developed enough?  Suppose the judges give me really low scores?  How will I feel if I come in dead last in both divisions in which I'm competing?

It took a day or two of thinking through these questions before I could make peace with my fears.  If I fall or otherwise make a mistake on  stage, I will just keep smiling and get back into position.  It would not be the first public mistake I've made on a stage.  (I have a history of singing, acting and public speaking.)  I reminded myself that this is just my first competition; I have more ahead in which to perfect my performance.  I also decided that my rank order in comparison to the other competitors is not as important as my actual score.  If my division includes fellow competitors who are all very well prepared, my score could be respectable for a beginner and still be the lowest in my group.  Beyond that, I remembered that I am doing this for some very important reasons besides my score.  I decided that, when competition day arrives and I walk onto the stage, I will remember that this is my victory walk over cancer, and that I am doing this to encourage and inspire everyone who faces a hardship and perseveres to reach a goal.  Finally, this is an act of worship for me, as I show my thanks to God for giving me such a healthy, beautiful body and for healing me of my cancer.