Body image, weight gain and competition training

I just posted a photo of Tracy Edwards standing next to my posing suit.  It's a beautiful suit and I can't wait to receive it in the mail and try it on!  Tracy and I have been trading email messages about preparing for the competition, and it sounds like she is also making plans to compete in a show (go, Tracy!!).  We were writing to each other about getting our bodies in shape, and our conversation prompted me to think about the way in which this process has altered my perceptions about women's bodies in general and my body in particular.  Some of it is good, but I'm not so sure about other parts...  Please comment on this post if you have something to share!

One of the harder things for me to do this spring was to consciously try to gain weight.  Bodybuilding is about developing muscles, which means they get bigger.  This means you get bigger.  In order to get bigger, you need to gain weight.  This was not easy for me, as I had spent my whole life trying to lose weight and stay thin.  I went on my first diet when I was about 13, and I have worked at maintaining my slender figure my whole life since then.  I had never tried to gain weight until now.

It started six months ago, when Domenick (my trainer) developed my first fitness program specific for muscle growth and suggested that I add calories and protein to my diet.  I didn't gain weight by eating snacks and sweets.  I added to my diet a whole protein supplement, more servings of lean fish and chicken and more complex carbohydrates (i.e. oatmeal, sweet potatoes, apples, whole wheat tortillas).  I also watched the scale climb from 144 lbs. in January to 152 lbs. by June.  Yikes!  It was good weight gain, though, and my muscles were visibly and measurably larger.  I had to keep reminding myself of this.  In hindsight, it would have been good to gain even more weight, and I might feel braver to do that when I train for my next competition. 

I had feared that gaining weight would mean my clothes would become tighter, especially in the waist.  This was a particular concern for me because whenever I gain a couple of fat pounds, it all goes to my abdomen and people think I am pregnant.  (This has happened on more than one occasion and is very demoralizing.)  What pleased me with the weight gain this spring was that my clothes continued to fit me well, and my waistline didn't change.  I will confess that my sleeves became tighter due to larger muscles in my arms, but I didn't mind this too much.  I was feeling proud of my biceps.

What is interesting to me is that I now find more muscular women to be beautiful.  The "skinny is the only way to be beautiful" fashion-model mindset has lost some of it's grip on me, and I now find myself thinking that the typical fashion model would be better looking if she gained a little muscle weight.  When I first decided to train for a figure show, the muscularity of the women was still a little unappealing to me, but this has changed remarkably over time.  The look has great appeal to me and I take pleasure in watching my physique develop.

A trend I am seeing in myself that is not so good is the difficulty I have in believing that my body does, in fact, look trained and attractively muscular.  Much like the anorexic, I look in the mirror and don't see what other people see.  I will think "I don't look like much", when even strangers will comment on how developed and strong my legs look.  Getting comments like this from people I have just met is a reminder to me that I am not seeing my body objectively.  Maybe none of us do.  I would like this to change, though, and I am beginning to stop myself in the middle of the self-critical thoughts and remind myself of what is true.