Feeling sad and training anyway

Through most of my cancer treatment, I did not feel much sadness or depression.  It's not that I was ashamed of those feelings or thought I shouldn't have them, but I knew I needed all of my energy to keep moving through surgery and treatment.  It seemed as if my feelings were a luxury I couldn't afford at the time.  If I let myself get down, it would have been really hard to go back for the next chemo treatment or have the next surgery.  I knew that, at the end of treatment, those feelings might come and it would be time to face and accept them.

My tendency in life is to be optimistic.  I usually see my glass as being half full, and finding the good in difficult situations is not hard for me to do.  This ability helped me remain hopeful through treatment and not give up on my goals, including the figure competition.  Through my treatment, I met several women who were also facing breast cancer, and it was interesting to hear their responses.  A number of them struggled with depression and hopelessness during and after treatment.  It was not uncommon to hear another woman tell me that she stopped exercising, socializing and otherwise taking care of herself during treatment.  I was just the opposite and felt very motivated to take even better care of myself than I had been doing.  I found that I could do this without feeling guilty of being self-centered, which I would have felt pre-cancer. 

After my third surgery, a hysterectomy, I felt that I had come to the end of my treatment and that the hardest part was behind me.  I still had reconstructive surgery to complete in six months, but that would be a smaller surgery and was not part of cancer treatment.  Psychologically, I reached the point where I knew it was time to feel my feelings, and I did. 

What I felt (and can still feel at times) was more like a sadness than a depression.  I'm not sure what the difference is, but it seems like there is one.  I am fortunate that the feeling has never lasted more than one day.  I felt this sadness one to three days a week during the time after my hysterectomy and before I went back to work full time (about 5 weeks later).  My job, which I enjoy, was very busy and I found myself once again putting the feelings of sadness on hold.  Now that the semester has ended (I am a college professor), I'm finding that my sad days are returning periodically. 

My primary way of handling the sad feelings is to acknowledge them, but to keep moving through the day as best I can.  I may not have the energy to train as hard as I normally would, but if I can just make myself start, I will finish the workout.  I do this with my other activities, too.  I'll stop and take short rests, but then get going again with as much as I can do. 

Friends have asked me if I would consider joining a support group or get counseling therapy.  While I'm not completely opposed to a support group, I am hesitant to join one.  My fear is that the other women will be depressed and bring me down.  I'm also not sure that I will find other women in my stage of life and at my activity level in the group.  We might not have as much in common.  I am more open to getting counseling therapy, as I've had it in the past and liked it.  Right now, I don't want one more thing on my schedule, which is probably another way of saying that I don't feel such a strong need for it.  This could change. 

One thing that has been very meaningful and helpful is to have people help me spiritually.  I have been meeting with Ruth Workman for years for spiritual formation.  Ruth and I meet once a month to talk about my life and where I experience God at work in all that is happening.  I needed to take a break from our meetings during treatment, as I didn't have the emotional energy for them, but it is good to be meeting with Ruth again.  I had another wonderful experience right after my initial diagnosis and surgery with a Stephen's Minister from the Woodside Presbyterian Church.  Sara Ewing and I spent several times together as she prayed for me and my family.  Sara was a caring, empathic listener and I am really grateful for the time we spent together.  This summer, I am finding that I am able to meditate on scripture and pray again, and I do that each morning with my husband, Stuart.  I know that God is holding me in his hands on the sad days.

Oh, one more thought.  I find on my sad days that it is nice and cathartic to watch a movie or listen to a song that lets me feel sad.  Today is one of my blue days, and I've listened to Howard Jones' No One Is To Blame about five times already.  It helps to just tune out with a good, sad song and let the feelings out.